Thoughts at 4:30 am.

Well here we are. It's 4.30 am (well it was when I started typing this) and I can't sleep. I get those sort of nights occasionally; when you're dozing off watching something then by the time you've climbed into bed you're wide awake again and that's that. All is quiet - not really, I'm listening to one of my currently unreleased drone pieces called Quiet Thoughts at the End of the World which will be released later this year. Quite an apt title for this time of the morning.

At least tomorrow is Sunday so it doesn't matter so much. Apart from we've got to be up early as we have a few things to do before swinging by Mrs H's brother and sister-in-law for a slap-up binge at lunchtime. For tomorrow I take my car, which I've only had a couple of years, to be scrapped. It failed the MOT and the repairs are just too costly so it's bye-bye to the car. The problem is I can't afford to buy another one so Plan A is to pop into Halfords (they've got their January sales on) and purchase a bike. I'll probably get a hybrid.

It's at this sort of ungodly hour that one tends to look at ones life and think "what a fuck-up". Midas had the golden touch and I've got the shit touch. You know the old saying - if I didn't have bad luck I'd have no luck at all. I must admit most of my decisions go awry and now I'm just over two years from reaching fifty (scary thought and it doesn't feel like it) I'd hoped my life would be a bit different from what it is. But don't we all I suppose.

I didn't think that at this stage in my life I'd be so skint that I couldn't afford to fix my car or get a second-hand replacement. Still the cycling will keep me fit and I always did enjoy it. There I was hoping 2018 would be kinder to us after a really shit couple of years but no, it just had to kick us in the balls again. Oh well.

I'm drinking tea and having a smoke at the moment. It's what I do when I can't sleep and my body refuses to behave and feel tired. It also stops me waking Mrs H up - one of us needs to be compos mentis tomorrow. I might have some toast in a bit. That'll show 'em.

It's easy to feel mopey and in the doldrums at stupid o'clock in the morning but it won't do. People say life is what you make it. Well sort of. Life is what happens to you - you have little say in it; there are too many variables at play for you to have any real control over it. Control is illusory at best, something everyone from the lowliest to the greatest ruler forgets and yet history shows us time and time again how little control we really have. It's how we deal with it that's important.

On the up-side I'll be saving nearly £200 a month without a car so that's good. Also there's work on the sci-fi novel to complete and a short story is shaping up quite nicely so if I can sell that to one of the science fiction periodicals that'll be handy. If they get rejected so be it, that's par for the course. I'll just bung on here instead.

Oh, and I appear to be coming down with a nice head-cold. Perfect timing as always.

Yep, I'm feeling a need for toast and more tea. Definitely.